Dark Romance vs Reality
What is the dark romance genre:
While there isn’t a single definition of dark romance, it is typically characterised by dark, mature themes and sexually explicit scenes. Popular tropes within dark romance include, but certainly aren’t limited to, stalking, kidnapping, mafia, BDSM, etc. Dark themes may include (but again are not limited to) themes such as dubious consent, rape, and emotional or physical abuse.
Why do people enjoy it:
Dark romance can be enjoyed for as many reasons as there are readers. But there are a few reasons that come up in research into dark romance and sexual fantasies:
- Dark romance is a safe place to explore fantasies of power and submission, or perhaps taboo or embarrassing fantasies. It’s enjoyable precisely because it’s not reality.
- Emotional intensity and safe danger: a dark romance can be extremely intense and engaging, much like a horror or thriller film. For example, I love slasher films; I enjoy the way my pulse races as the characters evade, fight or are even killed; however, in real life I do not want to experience a psycho in a mask or ever witness a murder.
Do the people who write or read it support/want what they write/read?:
Simply, you cannot infer a person’s real-world morals, desires or behaviours from the fiction they enjoy. It’s fantasy. Fantasy is safe because it isn’t real. It’s intense and engaging, and there are many psychological reasons why we seek out all sorts of dark, thrilling or erotic stories. We don’t assume those who watch a horror film desire to be murdered or possessed or otherwise have their life in danger. You might enjoy rollercoasters, but you probably never want to be in an uncontrolled plane plummeting to earth. As humans, we regularly seek intense sensations or experiences, whether physical or mental, but we have found many ways to experience such things safely. It’s fun precisely because we know it’s not real, that the danger is not real. Fantasy is not reality; that understanding allows us to enjoy it.
BDSM Fiction vs Reality
First, I am not an expert; I’m not an educator; I’m just a kinky author who’s realised that in the dark romance world, we (as writers and readers) don’t really talk about what we write/read and how it differs from real life. I’m going to attempt to share some foundational information, and I encourage anyone interested in any aspect of BDSM to learn as much as possible.
I personally find Fetlife.com a useful way for me to engage with my local kink community and find events and learning resources. I’m not endorsing Fetlife; it’s a social media platform and, like all social media platforms, it has problems and is open to be used by anyone, including unsafe people. But as a social media platform specifically for adults in the kink community, it is perhaps the largest and best-known and can be an excellent tool for finding resources and community.
What is BDSM?
BDSM is a very broad range of consensual activities which can include power dynamics and/or intense physical and/or mental sensations.
BDSM is an acronym standing for:
B&D—Bondage and Discipline
D&S—Dominance and Submission
S&M—Sadism and Masochism
Common terms (in no way an exhaustive list) used within BDSM:
A scene—An agreed period or interaction in which people engage in BDSM/kink activities within negotiated boundaries.
Play—Any negotiated activity that partners engage in during a scene.
Aftercare—Care, emotional and physical, that partners can provide each other to help transition from scene back to normal.
A Dominant—takes an agreed position of authority/control within a power exchange.
A submissive—consensually yields some agreed authority/control.
A Top—is generally the person doing an activity/providing the sensation.
A bottom—is generally the person receiving it.
A Switch—An individual who may enjoy playing as a dominant/top or submissive/bottom.
Limits—anything that a person absolutely does not want to experience during play/a scene.
Safe words/signals—A word (such as red) or signal (such as a hand sign or dropping an object) which, when said/done, stops all play immediately. Both dominants/tops and submissives/bottoms can use safe words/signals.
The main foundation of all BDSM and kinky play is consent:
Consent underpins everything.
It is also the most major and glaringly obvious difference between fiction and reality.
While in dark romance stories it is rare for explicit consent to be negotiated, in reality, negotiation, open communication, and enthusiastic consent are essential for any scene or dynamic.
In fantasy, a character can be tied/cuffed/chained/any other form of bondage you can imagine, used, abused, and it all comes together effortlessly. In reality, Dominants/Tops spend a lot of time learning how to do such things safely from books, workshops, mentors, etc. Submissives/bottoms should equally learn how to play safely.
For example in reality, it’s not as easy as simply tying someone up; you must know and consider the inherent dangers, such as nerve compression, blood flow, and the myriad of health concerns a good rigger fully considers with their rope bunny. Similarly, you can’t just pick up a flogger and start whacking a willing partner with it; you need to know how to use the instrument, understand how it feels, know anatomically where it is safe to hit, etc.
Consent must be freely given, informed, specific to what has been agreed, and capable of being withdrawn.
Ethical/risk-aware frameworks for kink.
SSC—Safe, Sane, Consensual.
RACK—Risk-Aware Consensual Kink.
SSC emphasises that play should be safe, sane and consensual. RACK emphasises recognising that some kink carries inherent risk, understanding those risks as fully as reasonably possible, and consenting to them.
These frameworks are used to help those who want to participate in kink do so as fully informed as possible about potential risks so that they can give their full consent and everyone can enjoy the experience.
Before playing, negotiation is essential.
Negotiation is when two or more people take time, before any play begins, to discuss what they want to experience, what they are comfortable with, what is strictly not allowed (limits), and safety procedures such as safe words or signals. This is the bedrock of gaining and giving informed consent.
Aftercare is what happens usually immediately/soon after a scene or play ends. It can be providing a drink and snack, a cuddle, a conversation, reassurance, checking in the next day, etc. Aftercare is unique to individuals and should be discussed beforehand during the negotiation.
Dark romance frequently omits, compresses or deliberately violates the kinds of negotiation and consent practices expected in real-life BDSM.
In fiction, BDSM, power dynamics and kink are often portrayed very differently from how responsible kink is practised in real life. Negotiations are missing, the years of learning technique and safety considerations are missing, and within dark romance, consent too may be missing. But that is fiction.
If something you read in my books makes you curious about trying BDSM or kink in real life, please don’t use fiction as your instruction manual.